Don't Stand So Close to Me
by FearofFalling
Summary: Riku and Sora's UST is getting out of hand... but the gang has a plan that just might bring them together finally.  warning: everyone but Riku is OOC.


A/N This is NOT to be taken seriously. The writing is mediocre, the storyline makes no sense, no one is in character (well, except maybe Riku).

I wrote this way, way back... like 5 years ago, back when I was a HUGE Kingdom Hearts fan. I still love the video game. But I'm eighteen now and off to college so I never have the time goof off and play video games.

... But I DO seem to have the time to post crappy stories on Fanfiction... Hm.

Anyway, try to enjoy this random parody.

Of course I edited it to death because my grammar was atrocious back then.

OH - and "**STICK BOY**" is actually Tidus... yeah, back then it was an inside joke between me and my friend to call him stick boy.

* * *

Sora and Riku continued to fight day in and day out. All they did was criticize each other for doing whatever they felt was wrong.

When Sora would leave his bowl of pudding on his night stand, Riku would scream at him in a girlish manner and tell him to clean it up.

When Riku would blow dry his hair while Sora was taking a nap, Sora would wake up and argue how real men don't use blow dryers.

Not that long afterward the rest of the Teens on the island noticed the two bickering. Kiare suggested they should talk to them about it, but Wakka protested because he claimed he already attempted to fix the problems between Riku and Sora but it only made manners much worse.

Things really started to get out of hands one night during dinner when Riku started backbiting about Sora when he left to use the bathroom.

"Hey guys, I'm going to go use the crapper," Sora said, getting up from his chair and walking out of the dinning room.

Riku put down the lemon he was sucking on and gave out an overly dramatic sigh so Sora could hear.

Sora stopped his his tracks. "What now!" He groaned.

"That word you just used for "toilet" is taboo," Riku explained.

"What the hell does_ taboo_ mean?" Sora asked stupidly.

Stick boy intervened by shooting his arm up. Everyone turned to look at him, rolling their eyes tiredly. "I thought Taboo was a board game!"

Yuffie ignored him. "I thought it meant something bad."

"Okay, do you like mean taboo as in the board game or taboo as in the actual word taboo?" Kaire asked, pointing at him with her fork, which had a large chunk of food stuck on it.

Riku narrowed his eyes at her. "Please get that awfully great mass of processed chicken out of my face!" He screamed at her.

Kiare put her fork down... _God, what's his problem?_

Riku puckered his lips and let out a long exhalation from his nose, "Sorry," He said, dabbing his mouth with a little white napkin, "Sora, there are other ways of using the word toilet, like for example; facilities, toilette, restroom, john, or the most common term_ bathroom_."

Sora rolled his eyes and said sarcastically, "Fine may I used the "Facilities"?"

Riku smiled. "Yes, you-" but Sora was already running off to the bathroom before Riku could finish his words, making him extremely upset again.

Kiare turned to him. "Riku, why do you have to fight with him?" She asked.

Riku put his fist on the table and said in a hostile tone, "Well, let's see, where should I begin, Kiare?"

"Well, I-"

Riku cut Kiare off before she could say anything, "He leaves food all over his bed, he snores, he sleeps in his underwear, I find pornography laying under his bed and other places on his side of the room, he makes crumbs that _I _have to vacuum up, and worst of all he almost never listens to my speeches on politics!"

"Riku, nobody listens your speeches on politics." Wakka pointed out.

"Oh. Well, anyway, doesn't that make sense why I hate being around Sora?" Riku finished, arching his eyebrows.

"Well, I guess, but..." Yuffie trailed off for a moment, then continued, "but don't you think you do things that might annoy Sora?"

"No," Riku said quickly, without even giving it a thought.

Suddenly there was a very loud ding that was coming from Sora and Riku's room upstairs, "Ooh! my cookies are done!" He exclaimed, clapping his hands together and looking all giddy, "I just ordered a _Barbie's Little Oven_!" he squeaked, leaving the table and skipping to the stairs that were on the right side of the dinning room.

Wakka glared as Riku skipped off stairs before turning his attention at Kiare, Stick boy, and Yuffie, "Yeah, I wonder why Sora hates him as much as Riku hates Sora." He said sarcastically.

Everybody at the table laughed at what Wakka said, then Stick boy added, "And I wonder why Riku likes Sora!"

Yuffie, Kiare, and Wakka went silent, not getting the joke, (Stick boy's a dork in this story.)

"You get it, Riku likes Sora, Riku is.." He tried to explain himself, acting all nervous and embarrassed.

There was a long silence.

"Hey, do you think Riku's gay?" Yuffie asked the group with a dopey look on her face.

Immediately everyone burst into laughter, as if it were the most stupid question in the world.

"Well, duh!" Stick boy said to Yuffie, still laughing.

"Yeah, anyone can spot that one out!" Wakka exclaimed.

"Yeah, I knew to. I just wanted to make sure." Yuffie said.

"That's like asking if president Bush is an idiot!" Stick boy cried in laughter.

"Or if Clay Aiken is gay!" Kiare said hysterically.

"What's all the hype?"

The gang became silent and saw it was Riku, who was now holding a tray of chocolate chip cookies in his hands.

"Ah, nothing were just talking about you being g-" but Kiare kicked his leg from under the table before he could finish his sentence, "Gorgeous!"

Wakka groaned in pain. He said the first thing that popped in his head that started with a G. "I am?" Riku asked, flattered, taking one of his hands and fixing his long, silver hair.

"What, No!" Wakka yelled, disgusted, "I mean, Kiare brought it up... I meant that Kiare said it! Not me! you asked what was the hype, well Kiare was just talking about how sexy you were."

"Wakka, I WAS-" Kiare paused for a moment, "Um... I mean yeah, you're adorable."

"Oh, well, okay than.." Riku said, disappointed. He thought Wakka liked him for a moment.

"Ah, cookies! cool, give me some!" Yuffie said, changing the subject.

"Ah, ah, ah, not until later, these are for _after_ dinner." Riku explained to Yuffie, acting like she was four or something.

"Then why the hell did you bring them in here for!" Wakka yelled.

"To let them cool off in the fridge." Riku told Wakka, walking away from the table and towards the refrigerator.

Out of no where Sora entered the room, buttoning up his pants, "Hey did someone say-" Sora saw that Riku was holding a tray of cookies and almost jumped, "COOKIES!"

Sora ran up to Riku and grabbed the plate of the warm baked desserts, knocking Riku across the room, onto the floor.

"AAAAAAH!" Riku screamed like a little girl, before he hit the tile.

Meanwhile Sora was stuffing his face with cookies, making a lot of crumbs, and smearing chocolate in the cracks of floor.

Riku slowly got up from the floor and grabbed his right wrist with his left hand, "You broke my hand!" Riku yelled through grinted teeth.

"There are twenty something bones in your body...ah, and that's just,"Sora stopped himself, obviously doing a poor job quoting Sara Conner from Terminator 2. "You know what, I forgot what she said in the movie but whatever it was it sounded cool," Sora said, muffled voiced from his mouth full from the cookies.

Riku got up completely and and balled his hands into little fist. One was broken so he cried in pain for a second, "That's It!" He said.

Sora went wide eyed when he saw Riku coming at him, "Riku?"

"I'm sick of your behavior! I'm sick of your messes, and I'm sick of you!" Riku screamed.

"What, are you looking for a fight?' Sora said, toughly.

"Yeah, I am!" Riku yelled, stopping in front of him with his fist in the hair.

Yuffie, Wakka, Kiare, and Stick boy all watched as Riku and Sora began get ready to fight, as if it were a T.V show.

Sora did a poor impression of Ryo Hazuki by putting his fist in a weird awkward position while going "Aww" with a cheesy (and terrible) Chinese accent.

Riku looked at Sora for a moment, confused by his sad attempt to be Ryo, before he returned to his angry mode.

"It's on!" Sora said.

"..AHHHHHHH" Riku yelled, running at Sora.

"AHHHHHHHH" Sora yelled, running at Riku.

Then they started to - well... bitch slap each other.

"What the hell?" Stick boy said with a look of shock on his face.

Riku started to pull Sora's hair, then Sora took his arm and hit him in the stomach, causing him to fall onto the ground. Sora tried to walk away but Riku grabbed his ankle, pushing him to the ground and yanking at his wrist. Sora screamed in pain and grabbed his face with his free hand. Riku shaked his head away and grabbed his face this time. Sora then spit in his hands to get him off him.

"EW!" Riku cried.

It is stupid of me to describe the rest of this pathetic so called fight because then you would waste ten minutes of your precious life on it, so.. I'm just going to skip to Wakka spraying them with Lysol.

Wakka couldn't take it anymore, and so couldn't anyone else, so he left his chair and went to the cabinet in the kitchen that stored all the cleaners. He opened the cupboard and began to look around for something to distract Sora and Riku from their pansy bitch fight.

That was when he spotted a can of Lysol stuffed way at the corner between a bottle of Windex and a bag of disposable rubber gloves.

_Bingo_! Wakka took the can and ran up to Sora and Riku, who were still on the ground but now Sora was on top of Riku pulling his hair.

"Oh my fucking god... you guys!" Wakka then sprayed them.

Sora and Riku both got up from the ground and started coughing, Riku taking it little more seriously then Sora.

"AAAAH! I'm BLIND!" Riku screamed, coughing and holding his neck, "Someone call a doctor! I'm inhaling toxic fumes!"

Wakka rolled his eyes, "Ah, god, give it a rest. You're so dramatic!" he said

Sora on the other hand was inhaling the Lysol. "Oh, that smalls good. Wakka spray some more!" he demanded, sniffing even harder now.

"Don't do that, dumbass, it's chemicals," Wakka said tiredly, walking away.

"Oh, right." Sora said, now embarrassed.

* * *

And the story continues... maybe, possibly. IF anyone reads this random piece of crap.


End file.
